can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
