after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
