Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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