Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
try to milk me bitch
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize