It was confusing and full of hummus
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
