I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
