My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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