seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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