Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
