don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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