Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
