fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
