So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
operation have a gay friend backfired
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
