insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
