and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
