Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
