If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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