he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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