yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
