i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
