just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
