he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
