I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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