hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
