Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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