Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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