You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
