She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
