ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
