do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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