hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Randomize
