First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Pooping to opera.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
