bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
