my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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