i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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