turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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