The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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