I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
