So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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