I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
