If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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