he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
