do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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