you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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