I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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