listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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