Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
