The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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