dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
