Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
