i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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